Apparently, there's more

Ok. I already posted today. Do you think I care? Nope. I don't. Again, if you find this, I am much darker and real here, or will be. There are things I don't share with the world, but they are starting to clog up my soul. So, if you know me in life, keep your trap shut.


Anyway, the hell day continued. I got hit with not one but two emails, at the same time, from my little demon's teachers. Apparently, she "fell asleep" in math again today. It was implied that she is neither fed nor sleeps properly. I took that well. If by well you read, 'I fired off to both about how ridiculous the implications were and cc'd the principal.' I am so tired of the schools bureaucratic shit. I do everything in my power to help the school understand my child, but instead of listening, they insist on trying to force that square nail in the very round hole. This is why I hate people.


I did get an interview for next week. I am excited about that, but nervous. I haven't worked out of home in many years. Guy seems awesome. He is funny, crass, and blunt. I like that. He told me no holey jeans or political shit on my clothes and to think of the job as a pole dancing job. Yes, he said that. He also said fuck...a lot. A good old down home place to work. I'm good.


Filed taxes tonight too. The hoops you have to jump through to deduct anything is fucking ridiculous. No, I don't know beginning and ending miles on my odometer. I don't have the fucking car. So, thanks for the salt in THAT wound.


I don't know. Maybe I am bitter. That would be something...not even 40 and bitter as hell. I have every right. Life hasn't been kind most of the time. I've seen what hell looks like. It's so much worse than nightmares and broken dreams. Hell is burying a child. It's reliving years of abuse in your head and pretending it's ok. Hell is not some fairy tale Bible crap. It's here on earth, buried deep within every one of us. My hell is probably different from yours.


I could write my life story and it would read as fiction. It's not all bad by a long shot, but when it's bad, it's very bad. To the world, I present as a nice, personable, positive, strong human. (I snorted as I typed that out.) The inside of my head is so different.


My head is so dark and menacing. The inside of me swirls with shadows created by depression and PTSD. I show the world who I wish I was, not who I am. I know. I know. Actions speak louder than words (or thoughts) blah blah blah. But, these thoughts...


I hate people.
I really do want my ex torn limb from limb.
I will be calling the ex Gator Bait from now on.
People have rough patches. I have glimpses of sunlight, promptly ripped from me.
There is no escape.
There is no light at the end of the tunnel. It's just another tunnel. It might be better or worse. Flip a coin.
Life isn't what you make it. Life is how you roll with it.
Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.


They aren't very positive inner thoughts. Well, the last one makes me want to stab people in the eye, which sounds negative, but it's a game. (One that would be way cooler if I could have pencils or dull spoons instead of dual assassin's blades!)


Anyways, that was the remainder of my day. I may or may not be here daily. Or, like today, more than once. It all depends on whether I am buried under dog shit or elephant shit, I guess.

Stress

I just need a place to get it all out. If you find this, you probably have some inclination as to what I feel like right now....most days really. I am at the baking point. Yes, the baking point. When my stress and anxiety boil over to the kitchen, I have passed the pont to deal in any other way. Needless to say, my family will have baked goods for awhile.


So, what's my deal, anyway, you ask? Oh, where do I start? Where indeed.


I have an ex I would love to shove in a swamp somewhere. One of those with lots of gators and bacteria that eat you alive. He didn't used to be so bad. Or, maybe he was and I was blind. Who knows now. The point is this, when one has children, one makes a commitment to care for them. Sometimes, they walk. I wish my ex had. Yanking chains and being "sometimes daddy" is so much worse than any Disneyland dad. Disappearing for years only to come back and try to control a family you left behind... I just really am not a fan.


He inadvertently lost me my job a few months back. Can't fix that. It's a paperwork and technicality nightmare. I tried. It's not that they don't want me doing the job. It's more that specifics aren't met for the job, where they were before Gator Bait interfered. So, one person income for our family for months has sucked.


You know what happens when income drops drastically? You have to choose what bills to pay. Some just don't get paid. For us, we chose a roof and the things the kids needed over the car. Yup. That's gone. No car. Awesome.


So, no car, no job.... What's that? Rent is due? Awesome.


Don't get me wrong. We can pay rent. Hell, it's why we don't have a car, but come on Life, work with me here.


I am not sure any of this has a point. I think I just needed to get it out. I may be tearful and baking like a maniac, but I am not dead. They say stress kills. Well, kiss this stress!


Life really sucks right now. No, we don't have much support, any really. It would be nice if someone could say it would be ok, but nobody knows. Looks like 2015 is going to be all about new beginnings, starting with the meltdown my youngest just spiraled into...